Marriage and Sex

Libido

If you're married or thinking about getting married, at some point or another you've wondered what better sex in marriage would be like or how sex in marriage could be improved. Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship is easier said than done. However, couples who take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relations tend to be more connected with each other and do not suffer from depression, heart problems and other health maladies, experts say. The daily routines of life — whether careers, children or financial responsibilities — challenge couples to keep alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities. Furthermore, aging brings on a host of physical conditions that can affect life in the bedroom. These include sexual dysfunction, cardiovascular conditions, arthritis and rheumatism, and a host of other problems. Whatever the reasons for brewing trouble in the bedroom — whether emotional or physical in nature — the good news is that many such problems are easily treated. Moreover, troubles in a couple's sexual relationship are often signs of other problems, and can serve as a warning sign for still bigger troubles ahead. "A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically]." "Sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge" for relationships, says Dr. Linda Banner, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist specializing in marriage and relationship counseling and a researcher associated with Stanford University Medical School. Adults Have Sex 61 Times a Year Adults, on average, have sex about 61 times per year, or slightly more than once a week, according to University of Chicago's National Opinion Research Center. Marital status and age are key influences in sexual activity. Sexual activity is 25 percent to 300 percent greater for married couples versus the non-married, depending on age. The 1998 University of Chicago report that compiled available sex research also concluded that intercourse is more frequent among couples in happier marriages. As people age, they tend to have sex less, regardless of whether they are in marriages or not. Married couples between ages 18 and 29 have sexual relations an average of nearly 112 times per year. That rate steadily decreases as people age, so that married couples aged 70 and older have sex 16 times a year on average. But that fact shouldn't be misconstrued as meaning that older people are less satisfied with their sex life. An AARP survey released last year showed that most mid-life and older adults surveyed were either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their sex life, and felt it was an important quality-of-life factor. Renowned sex researcher John McKinley, Ph.D., director of the New England Research Institutes in Watertown, Mass., says as people age, particularly men, their expectations about sex aren't as high. Overcoming Emotional Barriers "The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in," Schoen says. But in today's fast-paced life, filled with dueling responsibilities, a sub-par or absent sex life is a common problem. When physical problems are not the root cause of a diminished sex life, many remedies exist to rekindle the flame of passion. Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one's life to make time for love and sex, says Jan Sinatra, a Manchester, Conn., psychotherapist and co-author of "Heart Sense for Women." Sinatra usually asks couples initially coming to her about their love life how they communicate. "It's a barometer of the relationship." Sometimes couples need to focus on addressing unresolved conflicts between them, while other spouses just need to remember to have fun when the weight of life's responsibilities drags them and their sex life down. Still others may just need to build time into their schedules to be together and let nature takes its course. Simply setting aside date nights can jump-start one's love life. Through communication—both verbal and non-verbal — and listening, couples come to understand what ignites that spark in the other partner. That might be cuddling, leaving love notes for your partner to find, meeting at a motel for a tryst, trying out new sex techniques, introducing a vibrator or dozens of other potential turn-ons. >>>next